Chaos Magnet

Musings on life ... and veterans

It's a weekend for closure after Ray's crossing, and I think I've pretty much settled things in my own head. Let me warn you that this is a long post -- at least for me -- and that unlike most entries, it's very personal. I'm recording it here only because I don't keep a journal; feel free to skip it. I won't be offended.

First let me tell you that we were unbelievably fortunate in that Ray was a veteran, having served in the Phillipines in World War II. For the rest if his life, the VA took care of him, and I want to take a moment to express our undying gratitude. The last ten years or so he's not been in good health, and they have done everything for him, and for us.

One reason is the VA hospital's gratitude of the fact that we didn't simply drop him off and not see him again until the funeral, as far too many people do. No, we have practically been overprotective parents. Sarah, especially, with her medical background, has always rode herd over his doctors, and after a rocky start in which she explained to the doctor that he had lots of patients, but she just had one father, there's been nothing but cooperation.

In fact, I don't know whether it was subliminal based on the fact that we were always there seeing him (when he was an inpatient) or just his personality, but the staff was always as protective of Ray as we were. In fact, one staff member is planning to write a book about her experiences, and says she'll be including a chapter about him. He was always so happy -- especially when he was the president of the patient advocate committee -- that whenever she had a prospective patient that was reluctant to enter the nursing him, she would take him (or her) for a tour and "happen" to run into Ray. He never failed her. The patient always decided that it must be an OK place, if Ray was so happy.

But he was always happy. Even when his Alzheimer's-based dementia became signficant, he never got nasty, or crabby, the way that some people do. He was always happy, always trying to make other people happy.

But he's gone now, and the pain of losing him is lessened somewhat by the understanding that the infection in the bones of his foot couldn't be treated because he was no longer a candidate for surgery; we were coming to the time where the only choices were to allow him to be in agonizing pain or drug him into oblivion. We were spared that choice because he was spared the pain.

And in the end, particularly since he crossed in the VA Medical Center, the veterans took care of virtually everything. We buried him at Florida National Cemetary -- think Arlington, but in Florida -- where the VA provided the plot, opening, closing, the concrete vault, and the headstone. The VA covered the funeral home's costs in getting him from the hospital to the funeral home, and from the funeral home to the cemetary. We just had to take care of the casket , the honor guard, and a relatively small fee from the funeral home. It was, frankly, the difference between having the burial we felt he deserved, and having to cremate him.

Because of scheduling issues -- Sarah's sister Debbie couldn't make it until Thursday night, and had to leave on Monday -- we had to have the viewing at the hospital (we weren't having him embalmed) and the funeral on Friday, because the cemetary doesn't do internments on the weekend, or on Monday because of the Memorial Day holiday. Everyone was able to get everything done, just in time. We had an honor guard, which made all of the difference; we didn't even have to arrange for a priest.

(A side note; honor guards are sadly lacking in membership. If you're a veteran, which is required, please, please, please consider joining a local group. If you'e not a veteral, please, please, please consider finding a way to assist a local group. The WWII generation is dying off at a furious rate; the need for these volunteers is enormous.)

When we went to see him, we brought his artificial leg. Ray had lost his right leg below the knee about 10 years ago, and he was always very ... particular about how it went on. We'd even had problems when he was in the nursing him for his twice-annual respite sessions, in which he stayed over for two weeks so we could get a break. Because the leg was old, the nurses frequently couldn't figure out how to put it on, and Ray's dementia had long past the point where he could do it himself. But he knew how he liked it, and if it wasn't exactly right, he wouldn't go anywhere, even if it was just from the bed to his wheelchair.

So I decided that as my last act, I would go ahead and put his leg on for him. I would even tuck the strap under the way he liked it, even though it drove me crazy when he did it. And so I did.

And I came to a revelation.

I unzipped the body bag, and I saw him there. There wasn't anything I hadn't already seen; I've been changing his diapers for years, and we'd gone to see him just after he passed on Wednesday morning. But as I pulled on the stump sock and adjusted the strap, I realized something.

Some people may be really creeped out right now because they've realized that in the previous paragraph I was "touching a dead body". But I realized that no, I was just doing what we've always done; taking care of someone we loved.

What's more, I realized that really, there is no death. Now, please check your religious preferences at the door; I'm philosophising here.

A short time ago I came to a scientific realization. The universe is really just one "entity" with various parts, all describable via statistical analysis. I won't go into the details here -- that's for my Ph.D. thesis, if I ever find the time to go back to school -- but it comes down to this: everything you see, everything you here, everything you know, near, far, and unimaginably distant, they're all one entity.

If there is a soul, and I believe that there is, it is part of that one entity. When we die, we leave the physical body, but the soul doesn't change. It's just as much with us as it was before. Maybe we don't see it, maybe we don't hear it, but sometimes we don't even do that when the person is alive. Is death really that much different?

A friend of mine pointed out the "Mourn them not, miss them not" Yoda gives in "Revenge of the Sith" and how I'd said at the time that it seems easy until you get to the ones you really love. For example, I can console myself that Ray is no longer in pain, that he's no longer confused, isolated, limited in what he can do.

The thought of losing Sarah, on the other hand, was more than I could bear.

But we talked today, for a long time. We realized that if one of us were to lose the other, we wouldn't be missing them, because spiritually, we'd always be there. Instead, we'd be missing being physically with the other person. Me holding Sarah's hand. Sarah stroking my back.

I realize that the world isn't as random and arbitrary as I thought it was.

And I'm no longer afraid.

The blog is complete: The Darth Side

I'm still kind of reeling here, trying to finish funeral arrangements, but I took a break and found that The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster has come to the end of its run.

I don't usually gush about blogs, but I have to gush about this one. It's basically the first three Star Wars movies -- that is, A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi -- from the point of view of Darth Vader. And a hilarious point of view it is at times, from personell problems to personal musings. The final entry is thoughtful and touching, and really wraps it all up beautifully.

I've got to find time to read all the entries in chronological order.

(Update: I found the time; there are only 30 entries, 10 for each film. It was absolutely stupendous. Hilariously funny and at the same time touching. Take the time.)

Technorati tags: The Darth Side | StarWars | Star Wars | Darth Vader

A sad day

I'm sad to report that this morning, at 4:58 am, Sarah's dad, Ray, passed away. He went calmly, in his sleep.

We miss him already.

One more reason to see SW:ROTS in digital

Unlike Episode II, I didn't see anything obvious in the digital version of Episode III that was different from the film version, but there's one reason to see it digitally: the trailers.

The very first trailer, not on the film version, was the first trailer for the Firefly movie, Serenity. Absolutely stunning. I'm hoping the movie lives up to it!

Technorati tags: Firefly | Serenity

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Now that I've had time to sit and think, I'm ready to talk about this film. The short version: yipee, yipee, yipee, it doesn't suck!!! In fact, it's excellent. Wonderful. And most importantly...

Fulfilling.

Yes, Episode III has actually managed to give me closure on this part of my life. For those non-fans among you, this may seem a bit ... odd, or even pathetic, but let's face it; Star Wars has been a part of my life since I was nine years old. You can't experience something like that, to that degree, without being affected by it. I'd been worried about how I'd react when it was done, but I feel strangely calm now. Like I can finally move on with my life.

OK, deep personal analysis done. On to the movie itself. If you want to go in not knowing anything about it, stop reading now. (Of course, if you'd wanted to do that, you've probably already seen it.)

At its heart, this film is, and has to be, one long transition from the state of affairs in Episode II to the state of affairs in Episode IV. There are no great mysteries in how it's going to end. You know that Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader. You know Padme has two children, Luke and Leia, and that they're split up and hidden around the galaxy. You know that the Republic becomes the Empire, and that Chancellor Palpatine becomes Emperor Palpatine. You know that the Jedi are destroyed and that Yoda and Kenobi go into hiding.

How that all comes to pass, however, is the interesting part. And I have to hand it to Lucas. Even though we all know what's got to happen, he's done it in such a way that it's still interesting.

The story starts with the rescue of Palpatine, who's been kidnapped by General Greivous, the head of the droid army, by Obi-Wan and Anakin. (I'm not giving anything away here. The opening crawler tells you that.) From the very beginning you know this is going to be a visual film, and that part of it has been carried off beautifully. But you can also see right away that there's actually some characterisation going on here. Ewan McGregor has gone from imitating Alec Guiness to chanelling him to actually adding to the performance, and he is quite possibly the best part of this film.

Lucas reportedly brought in Tom Stoppard to perk up the script, and it shows. There's actually real dialogue that you can say, instead of just typing, and the humor is very well placed. (Keep an ear out for the droids, especially.)

As the story progresses, we see that Anakin really is loyal to the Jedi, and especially to Obi-Wan. So when he finally does turn, we'll need a good reason, and the story actually provides one. I still wish, though, that someone had tought Hayden Christensen the difference between "angry" and "whiny". Still, when he finally does turn, it's believable. And chilling. You'll see what I mean when he gets to the Jedi temple.

Natalie Portman doesn't actually have a lot to do here, but she's the catalyst for much of it, and what she does she does well. Also a standout in the cast is Jimmy Smits, as Bail Organa. We knew back in the last movie he was important to the story, but now we find out how important, and Smits handles it extremely well.

Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. What can I say here. This is a role that practically requires chewing the scenery, but I was impressed by how well he carried it off. We find out in this film how he went from gentleman to deformed ... well ... skeevy person, and that was well handled as well. I didn't think it was possible to make the Emperor any more creepy, but they've actually done it.

And while we're on the subject, the political machinations were absolutely spot on. We see how Palpatine took the Republic into Empire, and it's believable. A lesson that I hope doesn't go unnoticed in today's times. Witness specifically Padme's comment: "So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause."

One aspect both audiences I saw it with particularly liked was when Yoda kicks butt. If you liked him at the end of Episode II, you'll love him here. (I'll take a moment to digress and say that I actually didn't like the rendering of Yoda as much in this film as the last one, but it was still excellent.) It's amazing how much characterization you can put into a character that's entirely computer generated.

Were there missteps? Sure. Some of the computer generated characters -- particularly one CG shot of Obi-Wan -- are ... less than realistic. Overall though, while there are a couple of things I'd take issue with, all of the big mysteries, and all of the big continuity errors are cleaned up, and that's one thing I was really worried about.

So while I don't know if I'd call it "the best movie ever made" I'd definitely give it at least 9.8 out of 10. Go see it.

Technorati tags: StarWars | Star Wars | ROTS | Episode+III | Sith | Revenge of the Sith | RevengeOfTheSith

It SO does NOT suck!!!

Just got home from the theater and I can say with absolute joy that Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith does not suck. In fact, it's wonderful!!!

Gotta get up early -- Wolf has a doctor's appointment for the severed tendon in his hand (long story) so I'm off to bed.

A complete review after I see the digital version tomorrow evening...

Technorati tags: StarWars | Star Wars | ROTS

One more day...

Well, I've got my tickets -- went and picked them up at the theater a couple of days ago -- and I'm ready. I've finally managed to get excited, instead of nervous. Keeping my fingers crossed...

Technorati tags: Star Wars | StarWars | ROTS | Revenge of the Sith | Episode III | Darth Tater

Honest to goodness affiliate income

I do have a few affiliate links on my site, but I'm not a marketer, and I don't really emphasise them much. So I was really surprised to get an email yesterday evening from the person who runs Write A Book Now, a program that shows you how to write a book in 14 days. I took the free course oh, a year ago, and I found it to be very useful, so I added a link to my page. But the last time I redid the home page, I took it off, but apparently I didn't take it off the individual archive template. So yesterday, Steve Manning writes to let me know that he's got $89 in affilliate fees for me, and where should he send them.

I'm bringing this up because yes, the free email course is really handy, so you ought to go ahead and sign up for it. Even if you don't buy the full course, it's time well spent. Plus, it's nice to see that someone's honest; it would have been really easy for Steve to just hold the money. I'm sure he could see that I hadn't logged into the affilliate system in a while. But he contacted me anyway, and that's just great.

So do yourself a favor and check out this course.

Technorati tags: Writing

So close!!!

Well, officially, it's Tuesday. And I'm going to see Star Wars tomorrow night, at the midnight show, so I guess I can actually say, "It's tomorrow!!!"

Please don't let it suck...

One more Foxtrot

One more Foxtrot Star Wars cartoon, which is particularly appropriate for me at this time...

Technorati tags: StarWars | Star Wars | ROTS | Foxtrot | humor | humour | comics

Star Wars cartoons

I'm still trying to stay as unspoiled as possible, but there were a couple of hilarious Star Wars themed Foxtrot cartoons. Hehehehe....

Programmer How-to additions

I just realized it's been a month since I mentioned new additions to the Programmer How-To. Here's what you've missed:

• Read command-line arguments (Added Java)
• Convert a string to a number (Added Java)
• Make an HTTP request (Added Java)
• Generate random numbers (Added Java)
• Get submitted form values (Added multiple-type form values)
• Write to a file
• Delete a file
• Output to a web page
• Upload a file
• Find out what objects or classes are available

Quote of the day

“If you want to call someone a thieving pig f*cker, you’d better be prepared to produce the pig.” — Hunter S. Thompson

AJAX design patterns

This week I'll be writing about AJAX, which is basically just a set name for the combination of techniques I've been using for years to load content into the browser without having to load a new page. (Only now, it's supported in non-IE browsers, which is wonderful.) One interesting resource I don't want to lose track of: Software As She’s Developed » Blog Archive » AJAX Patterns: Design Patterns for AJAX Usability.

Despicable non-journalism

My world is very complicated. I am in a profession (writing) where, for better or worse, some measure of success is given by how many people know who you are. And yet, I really am a very, very private person. I don't, frankly, like anybody up in my business, as they say. Read my work or don't, but leave me out of it. So it was with some measure of disgust and revulsion that I read Dee-Ann LeBlanc's Maureen O'Gara Strikes Again, in which she unceremoniously dumps her volunteer position at LinuxWorld Magazine because they pay O'Gara. Why? Because in their quest to discredit Groklaw's Pamela Jones, O'Gara published the most personal of personal details about her. To give you an idea, she published PJ's address and phone numbers, and that's not the most private of the information.

It's disgusting.

PJ is standing up to O'Gara. Good for her. Now she says that she's being warned that people are talking about her imminent "suicide", which is what apparently happened to someone else in this matter. She tells us unequivocably that if we hear about her suicide, it isn't.

No matter which stand you take on the SCO thing -- which is what is at the heart of the matter -- this is simply disgusting.

Technorati tags Linux | PamelaJones | MaureenOGara | SCO

Human Rights Watch

Check out Human Rights Watch: Campaigns for links to things you can do to make a difference in this crazy world.

The participatory panopticon

Here's an interesting notion. The pervasiveness of cameras and recording devices that will steal our privacy can also work to protect us from abuse. Check out WorldChanging: Another World Is Here: The Rise of the Participatory Panopticon.

Stupid questions

I'm not for sending jobs overseas, but I have to read this comment on the news that IBM is planning to lay off 10,000 to 13,000 mostly European workers and shake my head. Keep in mind that this person is theoretically American, and English is theoretically his/her first language.

Talk about answering your own question.

New Hitchhiker's -- on radio!

Apparently the BBC has adapted the last three books for radio, and they've brought back much of the original cast, including Simon Jones! You can listen to the episodes for one week after broadcast at the Radio 4 - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy site.

Technorati tags: Hitchhikers | HGTTG | humor | humour